Tuesday, July 16, 2013

What Happens When I Try to Vacation

 My best friend and I had just moved 1,000 miles apart. We vowed that we would take that cruise we had been talking about for the past five years. 

The first few days of the cruise were fine. The staff was great and entertaining, the ship offered pepporoni pizza, one of the only five things my friend will eat, and our room was nice and quiet. 
The problem when we went into Cozumel. 

We had purchased a “swim with the dolphins” package. Maybe we should have realized something was up when they insisted that we wore life jackets. I thought it was because they were afraid we couldn’t swim, now that I look back, I think they were afraid the dolphins might drown us. 

I’m not sure what it was about my friend that pissed off the dolphin. Maybe he didn’t like short people. Maybe it could sense that she was an animal lover and thought he could get away with it. Whatever it was, he made sure to let his displeasure be known. First it spit in her face. Then it smacked her in the leg as it swam by. Even the trainer noticed the dolphins displeasure, but we, naively, laughed it off. But when it came time for the dolphin to give her a kiss, it head butted her. Hard. Not so funny anymore. Luckily there wasn’t any real damage, other than a headache, but the trainer had all of us get out sortly after. The life jackets made more sense. 

After the satanic dolphin, we decided to get back on the ship. Then, we hit a tropical depression. As the ship rode the waves, we were glancing nervously around. It is a very odd feeling to try and put your foot down a floor that won’t stop moving. I can’t tell you how many times I stumbled. I would step, and the floor would mockingly move away from me. Tricky bastard. 

Anyway, the staff assured us that we were fine. When one of the, very, VERY, green ladies at the table asked how he handeled it, he answered, “Ah, the motion of the ocean causes no commotion.” Which I found hilarious, but I was too afraid to open my mouth to laugh. People  began to disappear from the dinning room. I was one of them. I never got “throw-up” sick, but my poor stomach sure did twirl and swirl. 

My friend, who I was very concerned about due to her hear condition, didn’t have a problem in the world. I told her to go do what she wanted, no reason for her to suffer in the room with me. She left, but came back shortly after. The ocean wasn’t making her sick, but the sick people were making her sick. 

After a few hours I testily told my friend, “I just want to get off this damn ship.” I kid you not, two seconds later, there was an enormous, BANG! It sounded like part of the ship had been torn off.  It was like God said, “Wish granted!” 

I looked at my friend and said, “I didn’t mean it! I don’t want off this ship! Please God, let us stay on this ship!” 

We fearfully waited for the announcement that we were going to have to evacuate. Which of course would have been all my fault, since I said I wanted off the ship, but it never came. Luckily for us, they were able to skirt around the edge of it, and the rest of the cruise was fine.

But I learned a two things. You need to be REALLY careful what you ask for, and dolphins can be little bastards.

1 comment:

  1. Poor JE! Talk about a crazy trip! But your retelling had me in stitches, girl.